Well, I figured, since I've actually shared the link to this blog now, I should actually post some stuff in it.
However, since this is sort of a limitedly shared blog link, I'm gonna feel free to share some of my more tender past moments. Things that I wouldn't necessarily tell everyone.
So today I'm gonna discuss some traits I've sort of discovered about myself. The first one almost keeps me from saying that I discovered these things. This first trait is the inability to say good things about myself. Mostly this arises when it comes to describing myself. Sure, I can describe myself just fine. I have brown hair, hazel eyes and really odd facial hair. But you'll probably never hear me say "Oh yah, I'm good at writing" or "when it comes to metaphors and analogies, I'm the best". It's one thing to shrug off compliments. That can be chalked up to humility. However, I can't even call myself humble. Then that means I'm taking pride in being humble, thusly completely eradicating the humbleness. I don't think it's low self esteem either. Cause, I think that I'm good at these things, you'll just never hear me saying it. I just try to exhibit my talents hoping that someone will notice and compliment then. But really, why do I even do that? I just shrug it off anyhow. Even when it comes to describing these traits. What right do I have to describe myself? I'm sort of a little biased don't you think. It should be someone else that describes me. And yet, when others do describe me, I'm always thinking to myself, "no, no that's not it at all. they don't actually no me." So yah.
Another trait of mine, is the incessant need to find a reasoning for every action or inaction of mine. Some mine call them excuses, but to me, it's just an obsession for figuring out why. When someone is scolding me about something I've done, and I blurt out some possible reasoning, it's not me making up excuses. It's me offering up a possible explanation, because at the time I usually don't know why. But, from a young age, my step dad liked to beat the idea into me, that nothing just happens. Everyone does everything for a reason. Most of the occurrences being when my normal clumsy self happened to drop a plate, or break a glass, or even accidentally knocked over half a stack of bails because I was young and didn't know any better not to pull from the bottom of the stack. The latter being the cause of the situation I'll describe. Naturally, knowing that I had done something wrong, I didn't say anything hoping that no one would notice however, naturally someone did. So there I was, listening to my step dad rant and rave asking who did it. I denied it at first, but after the first few punches I gave in and admitted it. And then he asked why I lied. Cause I didn't wanna get in trouble I'd say. And he'd say, well now your gonna get a worse one. "Why'd you knock over the bails?" "I don't know, it just happened" BAM! "That doesn't just happen, you probably know damn well why you did it" "They just FELL!" Bam!! "THINGS DON'T JUST FALL---" "Actually there's this thing called gravity. They bales went up didn't they? They had to come down" BAMBAMBAM!!! "DON'T GET STUPID WITH ME" "Just returning the favour" BAMBAMBAM!! "YOU WANT SOME MORE?" "If I get more, when your done, will you still be yelling?" etc... etc... etc... I grew tired of the ceaselessly yelled questions of "why did you do it?!" and so I got pretty good at coming up with some reasons why I did it. And to this day, everytime I screw up, by force of habit, I start trying to come up with a reason behind it, even if it's far fetched. And really, sometimes, things are accidents. Maybe there is a reason why it happened. But really, who cares about the reason behind it when you have a 3 and a half inch nail in your knee. But the whole way to the hospital, there I was, replaying the scene in my mind, trying to figure out why the gun slipped. But yah, the irony of it all is that I just came up with a reason as to why I come up with reasons for everything. How silly am I. lol. Mind you, there isn't anything wrong with doing that, it just annoys me lots because it always feels like I'm just making excuses. And sometimes other people see it that way too.
Another trait of mine is the fact that I don't tend to tell people about my own problems. I love to hear all about other people's. I love helping them. But my own problems are my own. I guess it's cause I don't want to burden them. If I tell them, then their gonna start caring, and take time out of their own lives to help me. And my two main live objectives are 'never hurt anyone' and 'never get in the way of other people's plans'. So telling them my problems is out of the question. But that doesn't mean I can't write cryptic poetry describing them. If someone takes the time to decipher it and learn my problems, that's their own fault. Has nothing to do with me.
So lastly, I like to think that I'm good at coming up with analogies to simplify and or explain a difficult situation or decision.
I'll give a good example:
A buddy of mine is having trouble with his girlfriend. She did something that sort of jeopardized the relationship a bit. It had just happened, and my buddy came over to my place to get it off his mind. However, he kept trying to call her, get ahold of her, and was basically just obsessing. His girlfriend said she wanted to wait till the next day to discuss it so that he would be cooled off. I figured it was a good idea. In fact, I knew it was a good idea. I told him so. I quote myself almost directly. "Relationships with anyone are like eternally painting a bench. The passage of time in those relationships are like the process of adding paint with the brush. However, every once in awhile, you put a fingerprint in the paint. Whether it's you or the other person, there's a mar in the paint. In your situation, it wasn't just a finger print, someone sat on your bench and took a bunch of paint with it. Now, what your trying to do is just throw paint back in there to try and fix it. However, if you do that, then it's gonna dry like that, and there will always be a little bit of a mar in that paint. Instead, you should let it dry, after it dries, you can sand down the bumps, repaint it and it'll look just as fine, and after it dries again, no one but you will know." Basically, if he kept pushing to resolve the issue that night he was angry (while the paint was wet), he'd end up saying something he regretted (leaving lasting mars and hurts for later in life aka. bumps in the paint) and so he should wait till tomorrow, when he's calmed down and work through it properly.
Yah, I didn't do the best at explaining it per say, as my mind to word ability isn't the greatest. However, I've used that analogy in a few other situations. There's lots of things that can go wrong when you paint a bench =P But even if you run out of paint, you can always get some more.
Anyhow, I feel that I've gone on long enough with this nonsense. I may even write another entry later on tonight if I feel so inclined =P Perhaps it'll be a "cryptical poem" =P We'll have to see. Thanks for reading.
-like to find a reason for everything
-self analytical
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