Laying it out there, in jumbled thought form.

This is one of those nights where I feel like rambling. I read a friends journal, and it got me thinking and stuff. I won't get to sleep unless I do some rambling about my thoughts, and stuff, cause otherwise I'll be up all night. I need to be able to get up in the morning =P. However, usually my rambling process needs a good kick start to get going. So I guess I'll start by talking about my evening. Tonight, my praise and worship team had a practice. I got to test out my new guitar playing with the piano. It was a fun night. I really love my team. We have a lot of fun. We take the music seriously, but we don't get hung up on the small details like 'oh geez, does it sound cool' or 'oops, i played the wrong note'. If one of us screws up, our singing gets a bit of a giggle and then we keep on going. Oh how I love singing and playing music for God. It's nice to be a part of something. Even though I don't really see the results, I'm confident that God is using me to influence someone with our singing. We're up there, facilitating praise. Starr picks the best songs, Angelika plays some piano (and eventually we'll convince her to sing) and Geralyn plays a mean bit of violin. Some people probably figure that a violin, guitar and piano combination is a bit unusual, but I don't think God cares. He's loving that we're singing songs of praise. It's not even so much that I'm up in front of people singing, its just that I'm singing. I don't think about how I'm singing or playing. I approach each song as if I'm saying those word to God. I'm gonna sing it loud, and play it hard. God does everything for us, so I'll give it my all. It's amazing how much of my life revolves around music these days. I'm always thinking about lyrics, humming a tune or tapping out a beat. It's really amazing how influential music can be. It's really nice also, since for almost the last year, I've been struggling with purpose. I completely failed at university, at living on my own, at being a youth leader. I just can't seem to find any purpose. It's nice to know that at least I can succeed in music. God's given me some good gifts, I just wish that he would give me more chances to use them. Alot of them can be really helpful. I just took this online spiritual gift test thing, i'll just copy and paste them.

Score	Graph of Score	Spiritual Gift	Statement / Response
25	==========================	Music	20 = 5	48 = 5	76 = 5	104 = 5	132 = 5
23	========================	Helps	12 = 5	40 = 5	68 = 3	96 = 5	124 = 5
23	========================	Poverty	22 = 3	50 = 5	78 = 5	106 = 5	134 = 5
21	======================	Faith	9 = 5	37 = 5	65 = 3	93 = 5	121 = 3
21	======================	Encouragement	6 = 5	34 = 5	62 = 1	90 = 5	118 = 5
21	======================	Writing	28 = 5	56 = 3	84 = 3	112 = 5	140 = 5
21	======================	Craftsmanship	4 = 5	32 = 1	60 = 5	88 = 5	116 = 5
19	====================	Hospitality	13 = 5	41 = 5	69 = 5	97 = 3	125 = 1
19	====================	Wisdom	27 = 5	55 = 3	83 = 3	111 = 5	139 = 3
19	====================	Prophecy	23 = 3	51 = 5	79 = 5	107 = 5	135 = 1
17	==================	Knowledge	15 = 3	43 = 3	71 = 5	99 = 3	127 = 3
17	==================	Discernment	5 = 5	33 = 3	61 = 3	89 = 3	117 = 3
17	==================	Evangelism	7 = 5	35 = 1	63 = 1	91 = 5	119 = 5
17	==================	Giving	10 = 3	38 = 3	66 = 1	94 = 5	122 = 5
15	================	Healing	11 = 3	39 = 5	67 = 3	95 = 3	123 = 1
14	===============	Mercy	17 = 5	45 = 1	73 = 5	101 = 0	129 = 3
11	============	Administration	1 = 5	29 = 1	57 = 1	85 = 3	113 = 1
11	============	Pastoring	21 = 3	49 = 1	77 = 1	105 = 5	133 = 1
11	============	Exhortation	8 = 3	36 = 3	64 = 1	92 = 3	120 = 1
10	===========	Missionary	19 = 5	47 = 0	75 = 1	103 = 3	131 = 1
9	==========	Miracles	18 = 5	46 = 1	74 = 1	102 = 1	130 = 1
9	==========	Teaching	24 = 1	52 = 1	80 = 3	108 = 3	136 = 1
7	========	Leadership	16 = 1	44 = 1	72 = 3	100 = 1	128 = 1
7	========	Celibacy	3 = 1	31 = 5	59 = 1	87 = 0	115 = 0
5	======	Apostle	2 = 1	30 = 1	58 = 1	86 = 1	114 = 1
4	=====	Intercession	14 = 1	42 = 1	70 = 1	98 = 0	126 = 1
2	===	TonguesInterpreting	25 = 0	53 = 1	81 = 1	109 = 0	137 = 0
1	==	TonguesSpeaking	26 = 1	54 = 0	82 = 0	110 = 0	138 = 0

So my second highest gift is 'Helps'. I certainly don't get a chance to help with anything, so how can it be a gift? I guess its cause I WANT to help, I just never get a chance. I'm not surprised that music, craftmanship and writing are up there. That's some of the things i'm best at. Prophecy, Wisdom, Knowledge and Discernment kind of surprise me actually. I've never really though of myself as being 'wise'. I'm book smart mainly. As I like to say, I know a lot of things about a lot of things. But yah, anyhow, back to my point. I never really get to use any of those gifts except music. But yah, i can't think of anything more to 'ramble on' about in regards to this topic.

I'll tell you a story that this reminded me of. Or rather, one of the questions did. Something about other's seeing God in your life. I answered no, since I doubt anyone can see God in the things I do. However, this doubt was removed one time by a strange man on a bus. He was slightly mentally handicapped. In the winter of 2005, I got on this bus to go somewhere, and this man sits across from me and starts talking to me. He tells me of how his brother stole his yellow gameboy one time, but he wasn't getting mad because he'd stolen it from him first. It was kind of funny. Then it got wierd. He turns to me and is like 'You know why I'm telling you this, cause you're a christian. I know you got God in ya, so I can trust you'. IT BLEW ME AWAY!!!. This was a time in my life where things were getting rough, I wasn't having a good time with anything and I felt really low in my god walk. So to have a random stranger, just blurt this out, completely through me for a loop. I've been alot less doubtful of how I'm portraying myself since then. Oh man, I loved meeting random strangers on busses. I was chatting with this old lady at a bus stop once, and she just reaches into her purse and hands me some 6 cents of the price of gas coupons for Domo. She's like, here, I'll never use these. I only bus. I'm like, well I bus too, so I won't be able to use them. And she's like, well, just sell them to your friends at University then. If you work the math out right, you can make it worth their while, and still make money. Just do tha tmath. haha, I laughed. Or bussing through Osbourne Village. There are always such colourful people that get on. Very free and happy with themselves. I've always wondered how people can be so happy all the time. I mean, sure, it's understandable, I have my share of problems to make me unhappy, but those don't affect me THAT much. Why am I sad half the time? Is it that old friend DEPRESSION coming to call again? I wrote a song about my depression once, here's the lyrics for yourself to read.


Sometimes it feels
like I'm losing control
Succumbing to emotions
that are not really there
Even though I know,
that this pain is an illusion
I still have inclinations
of letting it all go

even though I know
that my future will be grand
I still can't shake this feeling
that nothing lies ahead
my world it seems bleak
my life has lost its color
my life has lost its purpose
now I simply exist

chorus
------
In this world of illusions
where emotions are not real
In this world of mass intrusion
where joy no longer reigns
where the light once shone so brightly
only darkness does remain
but brightly in the distance
there shines a light of hope
------

reality is seeping through
my brick wall of emotions
crumbling into dust
the hardened edges of my soul
I have never felt the truth
in oh so long a time
patiently I wait to see
if time will heal my wounds

A helping hand is all I need
to help my heart pull through
I turn to my oldest friend
he's always pulled me through
he took me to the water
and washed away my sin
now he's walking by my side
as I travel down this path

chorus

now as I sit here
pondering the present
my future seems so bright
while my past is bleak and dry
but ever ever farther
away it falls behind
until it settles in the dust
far gone from my mind

he is my hope I cling on tight
unwilling to let go
my future is my destiny
and he will lead the way
the darkness of my past will not
encroach into my life
for there he walks right by my side
with him I'm not alone

Some people think that depression is just about being sad. It's not just that. It's about being happy, mad, sad, glad, angry, confused, etc etc. You're every emotion, for no reason at all. For almost a month straight, I stayed locked up in my bedroom. Just using the internet. I would laugh for no reason, get mad at nothing, be anxious about everything, upset about nothing. I never really knew for sure what my true emotions were. It was horrible. This song basically talks about the beginning the middle and the end of this part of my life. I don't have any audio of this song however.

Well, I'm gonna end my ramble there since it's sort of petered out. I got distracted with other things and so my brain stopped thinking. Thanks for read =P Till tomorrow. I'm gonna try to post in this thing everyday for the rest of this month at least. Provided I still have internet =P