Whatever happened to proper conflict management like they taught in school. One side shares why their mad, the other shares the true intent behind the action and then both sides shake hands, say sorry and move. Thats all i wanted to do. Every attempt was ignored. Turned around at me. Im a good guy! If i was a bad guy, I would have never apologized.
Im trying. Every moment and second. To overcome my childhood survival tactics. So that each time a little issue happens, my body doesnt explode like its something huge i have to throw my self off a cliff for just to prove it was an accident.
How do you convince people that you're not like this on purpose? How long do I have before its too late and I lose ALL my friends. Whilst I'm working on things and i guess making some progress, I keep fucking up and giving in to child danny, the stupid fuck that keeps jumping on the controls. I started working on myself last year. Things got worse before trending better. I destroyed stacey's life, ruined two relationships in a row for her and caused her so much stress. Now she even quit ingress because if it :/ that's two people now because of me.
Everytime I have a bad moment and fail to suck it up and keep it inside, is another nail in the coffin. Slowly turning my group against me. What am I even doing wrong?
All I want is for people to choose to like people and accept them. Regardless of their actions. If they do something wrong and hurt you, how are they gonna learn if you react with anger? I always react with respect and kindness. Its not hard. Just choose to do it. I guess I could just choose to mind my own business but if you found a peaceful way to exist, wouldnt you wanna share?
Actions ARE seperate from people. Fine, I'll agree they can inform but they inform like that moment of time. Not someones entire character. People have bad days, distracted moments and might say something before they can stop themselves, or misword, etc. If you villianize them and jump down their throat, it puts them on the defensive. Nobody thinks or talks straight once theyre in defensive mode. Like they explained at that work seminar, it puts you in fight or flight mode.
Thats what kept happening with me. Id have a sad moment, id remember something i did that no one noticed. Or something I didnt do. As I realized, back in the day at church, the whole sins of omission thing fucked me up. Thats where i started forming the bad habit of constantly watching my actions.
Heh, also why I had problems when my landlord started dating. It just felt so improper to hang out with her while she had a boyfriend. Cause they taught in church that you should never be alone with a non single woman is isnt your partner. I fucking believed alllll that shit back then. To this day, one of my best friends, I rarely talk to his wife outside of the group chat with all three of us.
I tried to explain this, to say all I needed was some time. But the reaction to my opening comment to try to get a dialogue going was not recieved well. Like I said, by this point it was already too late. I was too scared to do things the proper way and the longer I was scared the worse it got. Sadly with the firdt, once i finally got there, she dumped him lol. Then with second too, got kicked out before I could get it under control. And I'd try to apologize but in text form, all my words sounded like justification or arguing or not owning up. Mostly because she didnt believe me. Probably thought it was jealousy cause of that stupid fucking letter. She said she wasnt holding it against me but then one time she said we were friends too. (which is weird because all my messages were basically just lists of what i'd done and apologizes for the emotions it caused.)
Sigh. Im going to have no one left by the time I find my way to mental healthiness. I power on though. Thats what I do. Its what I did to make as far as I have. I survived childhood, so its in me to perservere.
Today I woke up from my sleep. And ive made it through to the end of the day. Two good accomplishments I can't twist ever.
