fuck this

I dont want new friends. I want back the ones i pushed away. Im doing what they asked now. Why cant they notice. Why cant that make things go back the way they were. 

Fake Nice

So many 'good' things I do, I do because I think I have to. It's not who I am. I am nice but in a completely different way, when I get outta the way. Im so obsessed with being nice, when Im not, I twist reality in my head. "Oh, im not being overbearing or whingey, others just think so because theyre mad at me.". Or "they hate me anyways so they arent even reading my shitty messages so its okay". Bah made more sense in my head before I started writing. But basically im not nice. 

I relate with every single one of these

http://www.boredpanda.com/adhd-explaining-alien-comics/?utm_source=boredpanda&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=boredpanda_paid

Quandries

Constantly I'm going on about how Im gonna get better, spout off plans etc. Then I let myself get all worked up. Call it triggered, call it immaturity, the label doesn't matter.  Basically I give in to the impulse to poke at situations. To act in ways I know arent right but Im satisfying that need to feel better. Ugh. 

So yah I pull that shit. I know why. I know whats going on now. But i clearly cant help myself. It amps up the worse I make things too.  So for now Im practicing getting my mind off it. For the moment, if I fail, its only my time that I waste. I need to learn to make myself feel better. Instead of over relying on others and then panicking when they understandable grow tired. 

So yah. I spout all these plans and then emotions happen and I react like I had to back as a kid instead of how adult danny knows he should and get myself all hyper focused on fixing the damage. If you've ever used dollar store clay, if you work the clay too much, get too obsessed with things making sense and being symettrical, the clay gets too warm, droops and it sucks. But, if you set it down, let it cool, come back to it. You can even see any drooping that did happen in a different light, and just go from there. 

I get myself all distracted and then I never follow through. I come up with great plans. But never follow through. Then i just feel bad about being so un reliable. People not trusting me because of it. I'd love to be dependable but right now I can understand why others wouldnt describe that as one of my traits.

So I have just as many plans i never talk about and just do because im "stopping just talking about it and am finally doing it"  bah! Because if i tell no one and fail, I cant get in trouble. I can either learn from it, try again and succeed without anyone knowing.

I dont know where i was going with this anymore lol

Mince meat

About to belt the words of others

Sing the songs melodious to others

Dumb people

Seriously, if you're gonna decide to be mad at me and stop wanting to be friends, dont get even madder when I try to live up to that role. 

Learned Something Today

I'm not a good person. Since I was a child I've examined my actions. To me, or rather used to be, to me, being a good person meant making sure you never do any action thats bad. Not one single one. Once you do, you start back at evil and have to try again. Really, looking at it through adult danny lens, or silly. Good intentioned but not realistic. But alas, i continued acting like it well into my todays. But thats enough fuck.

I mean, i know im a good person. I give a fuck about whether i am or not so that right there means Ive got good in me.

Today I did it again. I pretended I was getting in trouble when people were joking around. I knew I was doing it too and it had the exact effect it always has. I tell my friends i believe they are my friends and that Im doing this for them because of how bad I am. Today I learned that it reflects back onto them though. When I act like Im in shit, it doesnt show people that Im sorry or that Im humble or that Im working on myself. I forget that me being self centric isnt unique. Other nice people think about themselves too and when I act like that, from what ive learned, it moreso makes it seem like Im thinking that theyre the type of person who would be mean like that.

Thats my conditioning, my brainwashing. To me, if they WERE giving me shit, since as far as i know, i did do what they said, then yah, them giving me shit is warranted and so i launch into feel sorry for myself mode.

Meanwhile theyre not. Im so worried that Im capable of ruining every frienship with just one sentence.

I gotta stop with all that. I do! I don't have magical evil powers thatll make people treat me differently than normal. My fucking head actually tries to tell me that im a special case. Literally says 'hey danny, just cause its okay for everyone to do it, doesnt mean that includes you'. I remember one time volunteering with some friends and the food for us was ready. Everyone went but i kept working cause my brain was saying 'she said everyone, not everyone and danny'.

Its ridiculous really and I can see it. I gotta stop being like that.

So what can I do instead. What should I do? For now Im just stepping back. Im embarassed. Everytime I break through and see a behaviour for what it is. Fuck micheal for brainwashing me into thinking im scum and for then brainwashing me into not even knowing i was brainwashed. Im not scum fuck, im a good person. My mistakes happen because im over eager and anxious to do well. Its good to want those things. Its not because theres anything wrong with me. Im not stupid or ignorant.

I want people to joke with me. I love razzing other people. Its how my family members show affection lol.  Next time it happens, next time someone razzes me, im gonna get worked up. Child danny is gonna be like 'dont trust it! Dont act like theyre joking! Theyre being serious! Itll be worse of you act like theyre joking, theyll think youre inconsiderate or not taking them seriously' and me, adult danny, will be like 'shut the the fuck up kid lol. Im the adult, go play' lol.

Externally I have no idea how to act but one truth I know is I cant keep doing what im doing. So literally anything except that will be the right thing and I just have to trust my friends as much as I tell them I do.

Anyways. I needed to get that down in writing. So I dont forget. Call it a verbal savepoint lol

Sigh

Wish I'd never written that letter. Then today there wouldnt be someone out there, suffering a grudge. Having their heart eaten at as they simmer with hatred for me

Wish i could stop

Stop being afraid to accept the reality that my friends are my friends. Afraid that just one thing while make me lose the priviledge of being included. I wish I could stop being afraid to initiate interactions, stop being afraid to speak unless I know for sure its wanted. I wish I could do what I wanted without feeling bad if it effects what someone else wants. Not taking the last breadstick because what if someone else wants it; why can I not be that someone, sometimes.

I wish that my actions reflected what I know reality to be. Why is it so hard to NOT do the wierd action when I know damn well the right action. None of it makes sense or seems logical. A leads to be resulting in C. So I prep for C but J happens and then Im getting in shit as if I did H.

How do I get people to believe my apologies? First I gotta get them to believe I did them wrong first. Its like because they didnt notice, that somehow its not a wrong thing anymore. Hello! I just admitted and fessed up! Now its your turn to be mad. Thats how it works. Do dumb thing to someone, they get mad and silent and avoid you and dont speak to you. And I do the same out of respect for their anger. I stay outta sight lest i reinvigorate their anger before it subsides. Eventually they start talking to me again and so I, like a responsible person, apologize etc. Ive lost a lot of friends because of this because usually its just because they were just busy and then I start apologizing out of the blue. THAT makes them stressed and angry because i imagine it makes them feel they have to pay attention to me all the time or risk getting a barrage of messages.  My friends are too nice to ever just tell me to shutup :/ 

People hope that ignoring me will make me get the hint. Yah, I DO get the hint. I hate hints and purposefully ignore them. This isn't highschool. Say what's on your mind, don't make people guess. Im a perfectly reasonable person. If someone says 'hey danny Im not enjoying that behaviour of yours', I try to come up with a way to avoid that behaviour around them. Im just lucky that im able to not be bugged by anyone else's behaviour so I never have to say that to anyone else. Thats usually how I react, except this one time I reacted wayyyy the opposite of that. At the time I was actually being shitty in other ways too so I didnt manage my guilt very well. But, time moves forward and so should this post.

On one hand I need to wait till people tell me im not wanted around before assuming it. On the other hand, I can't blather on oblivious to other's unenjoyment of my presence. How do you balance that. How do you balance anything? None of its black and white like I act.

When I think Im talking too much, i stop talking altogether instead of just easing off.

Someone doesnt want me responding to them, i stop talking when theyre around all together instead of just not to them

I cant do anything proper. Someone asks for space from me, I act like i've ruined their life.

Someone asks me to buy my own food, i act like i have to be treated like scum until Im able to.

When I dont know what to do, my instinct is to go big to account for everything. Its a behaviour that served well with micheal but its not serving well in adulthood. I just have no idea how a healthy person approaches things. If I wrong someone, whats the right way to show em you didnt do it on purpose? And what if you try to change but fuck up again, how do you show at least you fucked up less this time?

I know, I just gotta keep trucking. Stick with the therapy, stick with resteering my brain. Stick with all the good things I am doing. But its hard because its not a 180 degree turn. Its a bumpy windy culdesac and some people have already jumped ship. Seems like ever since I started with therapy, the good times are better times but the bad times are getting to be worse times.

There's the work bell gotta go