Learned Something Today

I'm not a good person. Since I was a child I've examined my actions. To me, or rather used to be, to me, being a good person meant making sure you never do any action thats bad. Not one single one. Once you do, you start back at evil and have to try again. Really, looking at it through adult danny lens, or silly. Good intentioned but not realistic. But alas, i continued acting like it well into my todays. But thats enough fuck.

I mean, i know im a good person. I give a fuck about whether i am or not so that right there means Ive got good in me.

Today I did it again. I pretended I was getting in trouble when people were joking around. I knew I was doing it too and it had the exact effect it always has. I tell my friends i believe they are my friends and that Im doing this for them because of how bad I am. Today I learned that it reflects back onto them though. When I act like Im in shit, it doesnt show people that Im sorry or that Im humble or that Im working on myself. I forget that me being self centric isnt unique. Other nice people think about themselves too and when I act like that, from what ive learned, it moreso makes it seem like Im thinking that theyre the type of person who would be mean like that.

Thats my conditioning, my brainwashing. To me, if they WERE giving me shit, since as far as i know, i did do what they said, then yah, them giving me shit is warranted and so i launch into feel sorry for myself mode.

Meanwhile theyre not. Im so worried that Im capable of ruining every frienship with just one sentence.

I gotta stop with all that. I do! I don't have magical evil powers thatll make people treat me differently than normal. My fucking head actually tries to tell me that im a special case. Literally says 'hey danny, just cause its okay for everyone to do it, doesnt mean that includes you'. I remember one time volunteering with some friends and the food for us was ready. Everyone went but i kept working cause my brain was saying 'she said everyone, not everyone and danny'.

Its ridiculous really and I can see it. I gotta stop being like that.

So what can I do instead. What should I do? For now Im just stepping back. Im embarassed. Everytime I break through and see a behaviour for what it is. Fuck micheal for brainwashing me into thinking im scum and for then brainwashing me into not even knowing i was brainwashed. Im not scum fuck, im a good person. My mistakes happen because im over eager and anxious to do well. Its good to want those things. Its not because theres anything wrong with me. Im not stupid or ignorant.

I want people to joke with me. I love razzing other people. Its how my family members show affection lol.  Next time it happens, next time someone razzes me, im gonna get worked up. Child danny is gonna be like 'dont trust it! Dont act like theyre joking! Theyre being serious! Itll be worse of you act like theyre joking, theyll think youre inconsiderate or not taking them seriously' and me, adult danny, will be like 'shut the the fuck up kid lol. Im the adult, go play' lol.

Externally I have no idea how to act but one truth I know is I cant keep doing what im doing. So literally anything except that will be the right thing and I just have to trust my friends as much as I tell them I do.

Anyways. I needed to get that down in writing. So I dont forget. Call it a verbal savepoint lol