Wish i could stop

Stop being afraid to accept the reality that my friends are my friends. Afraid that just one thing while make me lose the priviledge of being included. I wish I could stop being afraid to initiate interactions, stop being afraid to speak unless I know for sure its wanted. I wish I could do what I wanted without feeling bad if it effects what someone else wants. Not taking the last breadstick because what if someone else wants it; why can I not be that someone, sometimes.

I wish that my actions reflected what I know reality to be. Why is it so hard to NOT do the wierd action when I know damn well the right action. None of it makes sense or seems logical. A leads to be resulting in C. So I prep for C but J happens and then Im getting in shit as if I did H.

How do I get people to believe my apologies? First I gotta get them to believe I did them wrong first. Its like because they didnt notice, that somehow its not a wrong thing anymore. Hello! I just admitted and fessed up! Now its your turn to be mad. Thats how it works. Do dumb thing to someone, they get mad and silent and avoid you and dont speak to you. And I do the same out of respect for their anger. I stay outta sight lest i reinvigorate their anger before it subsides. Eventually they start talking to me again and so I, like a responsible person, apologize etc. Ive lost a lot of friends because of this because usually its just because they were just busy and then I start apologizing out of the blue. THAT makes them stressed and angry because i imagine it makes them feel they have to pay attention to me all the time or risk getting a barrage of messages.  My friends are too nice to ever just tell me to shutup :/ 

People hope that ignoring me will make me get the hint. Yah, I DO get the hint. I hate hints and purposefully ignore them. This isn't highschool. Say what's on your mind, don't make people guess. Im a perfectly reasonable person. If someone says 'hey danny Im not enjoying that behaviour of yours', I try to come up with a way to avoid that behaviour around them. Im just lucky that im able to not be bugged by anyone else's behaviour so I never have to say that to anyone else. Thats usually how I react, except this one time I reacted wayyyy the opposite of that. At the time I was actually being shitty in other ways too so I didnt manage my guilt very well. But, time moves forward and so should this post.

On one hand I need to wait till people tell me im not wanted around before assuming it. On the other hand, I can't blather on oblivious to other's unenjoyment of my presence. How do you balance that. How do you balance anything? None of its black and white like I act.

When I think Im talking too much, i stop talking altogether instead of just easing off.

Someone doesnt want me responding to them, i stop talking when theyre around all together instead of just not to them

I cant do anything proper. Someone asks for space from me, I act like i've ruined their life.

Someone asks me to buy my own food, i act like i have to be treated like scum until Im able to.

When I dont know what to do, my instinct is to go big to account for everything. Its a behaviour that served well with micheal but its not serving well in adulthood. I just have no idea how a healthy person approaches things. If I wrong someone, whats the right way to show em you didnt do it on purpose? And what if you try to change but fuck up again, how do you show at least you fucked up less this time?

I know, I just gotta keep trucking. Stick with the therapy, stick with resteering my brain. Stick with all the good things I am doing. But its hard because its not a 180 degree turn. Its a bumpy windy culdesac and some people have already jumped ship. Seems like ever since I started with therapy, the good times are better times but the bad times are getting to be worse times.

There's the work bell gotta go