Danny Melnyk

Spring Spring Spring!

2010-03-24T21:15:00.003-05:00

The sun is starting to shine and life is returning to more than just the trees and the grass. It seems like every year, winter puts me in a stupor, and with spring, I come out of it like a leave on a tree, budding from...well a bud lol. This year is gonna be great. I'm finally going to be making a step forward in my life instead of a step backward. I finally feel ready to move back out on my own. I'm planning on starting apartment searching in May, with the goal being that I move out end of May/Early Junish.

Getting out on my own sets a lot of plans in motion, but it will also prove to cause a few challenges. Like, if I'm living in the city, how will I get to church? Well, with patience, the solution will arise, I'm sure. Moving back into the city means I'll have more resources and time at my disposal. Instead of getting off work at 330, and not getting home till 6, I'll be getting off at 330 and getting home at 430 the latest. Meaning, I'll be home to make important phonecalls during businesses business hours lol.

I've finally matured financially. I'm able to save instead of spend, pay my bills first, instead of buy new stuff. It's key, really. When I first moved out on my own, I was so distracted by starting University, learning to live on my own kinda took a backseat, and by the time I figured it out, I was over my head. This time living at my mom's has helped me reach the surface, and get on dry land again. Ready for another plunge so to speak.

I really like where my guitar playing and song writing is taking me. I really do. I have been writing lots of songs lately, and I am gonna share one that I wrote last spring, and I actually have a weak recording of it.

Here's the lyrics. (Just ignore the chords, they aren't the actual ones)

Verse (DmDmAmG)
a hole in the wall
a fist to my head
a shuddering crash
as I'm flung to the floor

all of this pain
it seems so unfair
I need someplace to run
I need someplace to hide

And then someone came to me
shared with me your word
I was lifted up
I was given hope

Taken from that dark place
surrounded by your light
I started feeling awesome
I simply started feeling

prechorus(CAmEm)

I felt like I could do anything I wanted to
I felt like I had the whole world in my hands
I gave myself wings and tried to soar high
but you came
to set me straight
and I sank

chorus(CEmCEmCAmEm)

Deeper than the sea
You'll tear me down
Even from mount everest
you tear me down
I'm nothing Lord, I'm nothing Lord
compared to you

Our heads are getting bigger
thinking that we're in control
As great as I become
to the eyes of man
I'm nothing Lord, I'm nothing Lord
Please tear me down
=====

Verse

Lord, you revealed to me
just what I must do
help me to set forth
simply doing your will

Lord I'm not perfect
But I think I'm dang close
I bask in your glory
and walk in your word

the people they love me
they want to follow
the path I am leading
the path into heaven

Deep in my heart rots
sin, disgusting and vile
pride and envy inside
I was dirt in your eyes

prechorus 2

I was thinking I could do anything I wanted to
I was thinking I had the whole world in my hands
I was trying to fly higher on my self given wings
but you came
to set me straight
and I sank

chorus

bridge:EmCAmEm

Ruin me Lord, oh tear me down
So I may be lifted up
Break me Lord, oh tear me down
I am yours, your will be done.

And here is a link to the recording\
http://innovativedivergence.com/Songs/Tear%20Me%20Down.mp3
It sounds kinda wierd, but thats because I recorded this back when I was still figuring out how I wanted it to sound. It's a little more refined now, just haven't had a chance to rerecord it.

Tear Me Down, it's sort of a reflection of my young life. The start is a bit of an analogy about my younger life, about how I was beaten down, and then help came and I was lifted up, and eventually I started trying to go on my own without help, and I needed to be taken down a notch. The second part of the verses is about having gotten straight with my walk, but still trying to go about it on my own without him, and once again, needing to be taken down a notch. Compared to him, we're nothing, and the moment we start thinking we're something, we start going on that path towards trying to walk without him. Without him, you can't go anywhere, and anywhere you do get, is because of him. Without him we're weak, we're nothing.

The Great Wave

2009-10-05T21:46:00.001-05:00

"Hey mom, how much longer till we get there?" I yelled up to the front of the caravan that was making it's way along the mountain path

"It's just around the bend!" She shouted back down the line

And sure enough, just as the sun was starting to get blotted out by the advancing tidal wave, the caravan circled around an array of boulders. Nestled in the crater from an ancient meteor strike was a towering glass structure. Walkways and catwalks rising up nearly as tall as the circle of mountains surrounding it. This was the safehouse that we'd been searching for. When news of the rising sea and the imminent tidal waves which threatened to flood the land came to our village, we had set out in search of this tall structure. It was our hope to live her so that the waves wouldn't kill us.

We made our way into the crater and were greeted by a strange man in a long brown coat. He led us into a glass stable where we stored the oxen and the carts. Several muscular men came and unloaded our supplies onto the elevator and I watched as everything we owned rose up into the sky.

As we made our way from the stables to the base of the structure, the wave was no longer in the distance. It seemed like you could reach out and touch it.

Seeing the look on my face, the strange man spoke up "Don't worry, the worst we have to worry about is getting a little wet. The mountains around us will stop the water. We'll be our own little island in the middle of a watery abyss"

Somehow it didn't do anything to ease my apprehension.

Soon we were settled into our rooms, and my mom was busy cooking something on the stove. It smelled like some kind of meat but I hadn't taken time to look. My attention was on the approaching wave. It was coming and coming fast. I didn't understand how no one else could be worried. Such a huge wave couldn't possibly be stopped by such small mountains. However, I guess in such a dire situation, where there really is no hope, people hold on to whatever hope they can grab onto. What point is there in worrying if there isn't anything you can possibly do.

My attention was diverted from the window as my mother called out that dinner was ready. I sat down at the little table in the room and looked down at my plate. It turns out that my mom was cooking fish. It struck me as slightly ironic that we were eating something we were about to become. Dead fish.

I took my plate and went to sit by the window so that I could watch the wave still. As I sat down, idly chewing on a bit of fish, I saw that the wave had reached the mountains. The fish caught in my throat as I saw the mountains get swallowed by the wave. From a distance, the wave looked like it was the same size as the mountains, but up close, the mountains were miniscule. The wave didn't even slow as it went past. My fork fell from my hands as I stared out the window, my eyes even with the top of the wave. Suddenly, the flight instinct kicked in and I turned yelling to my mother.

"Grab onto something, NOW!"

She looked startled, but then she saw past me to the window. Almost too late, she grabbed onto the ornamental post that decorated the entrance into the kitchen. I had managed to grip the old fashioned radiator that was bolted to the floor just as the wave crashed into the structure. There was a giant shudder, and I saw my mother fall for a second before she was able to grab onto the pillar again. It seemed to be over before it even started. Once the shuddering stopped, I relinquished my anchoring and peered out the window. The wave was gone, but in the distance I could see another coming fast. The crater was completely flooded in, and the water was still rising as the next wave approached.

I knew that the next wave would flood the level my mother and I were on.

"We have to go higher mom, lets go" I commanded.

She let go of her pillar and came with me out the door of the room. To the left was a series of catwalks and stairs and ladders making their way up higher. For some reason, I hadn't noticed these when we'd arrived at the structure, but I thanked the gods now that they were there. We hurried over to the first ladder and started climbing.

Once we reached the top of that ladder and started along a catwalk towards a set of stairs, the next wave hit. Everything shuddered, and my mom almost lost her balance and fell off, but I was able to grab her in time. The shudder didn't last long and we continued on our way. I could feel the mist of the frothing water just below our current catwalk. Another wave was coming fast, not to far behind the last and I urged my mother to go faster.

The next wave got there just as we got to the top of yet another ladder. Thankfully we were high enough for the wave not to get us, but they were getting closer and closer.

We rushed along another catwalk to a ramp that went up to another catwalk. We came to a set of stairs that had been damaged. A few steps had crumbled and cracked and fallen away leaving one big cliff like step. Since I was stronger, and would be able to pull my mom up, I had her boost me up so I could get on top. It took awhile, but I was able to get up.

The delay proved to be very disastrous. I reached over the ledge and grabbed onto my mother's arms to pull her up. Just then then next wave hit. I watched my mothers face cringe in pain as the force of the wave and the icy cold water rushed into her. Her hands were torn from my grip as I watched her get swept away with the wave. I watched in horror as she tried to swim in vain as the under current pulled her under. The last I saw of her was a few splashes and a couple bubbles and then she was gone.

I cried out in anguish, but logic prevailed and I turned to ascend the rest of the ladders and stairs. But when I turned, I saw that the concussion of the last wave had destroyed everything else. I could go no further. I stood there on my little island of glass, the water rising above my ankles as the wind caused by the waves swept my hair. I stared at the next wave as it came rushing towards me. This one seemed to come slower, almost as if to taunt me. To laugh in my face. I could just imagine the water speaking.

"I'm going to enjoy this so much. That last one was so tasty"

I screamed in rage and anguish. A beastly roar. It was cut off as the wave crashed into me. I felt water rush down my throat for my mouth had been open. My arms and legs were numb instantly from the cold of the water. I couldn't even swim. I could feel bubbles rising along my face as the last of my breath was expelled. I felt myself being pulled under into the darkness. My conciousness fading away. Darkness. Nothing.

Shazam!

2009-05-19T15:53:00.002-05:00

The title of this entry doesn't really mean anything. I don't what this entry will be about yet, per ce, and so I just left the title as something random =P

So I got back from Abundant Springs yesterday, and today I leave for Alberta again, Sweet!

I hope the weather gets warm soon, this chill is getting annoying. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Right now I'm at Josh's place waiting for him and Heidi and Cole to get off work, and then we're leaving huzzah! I bought a bunch of snacks today, so that's cool.

Anyhow, that's all I have to say for now, so I'm done, thanks for reading. Expect a better entry later on.

Just a Thought

2009-05-13T21:44:00.003-05:00

I wonder...

How much better would the world be if people stopped and thinked about the good a person has accomplished instead of acting on impulse based on the "wrongdoings" of a person. How much stress, anxiety, strife and general heart break would be saved?

Come on people, a person isn't defined by their actions. Actions are separate from a person. So if someone does something that you think is wrong, hate on the action and not the person. Everybody makes bad choices, and sometimes we need to learn that it's not up to us to teach lessons. We act and decided and rule based on what we think is for the good of ourselves and all those aligned with us, and we forget about all those aligned on the other side.

Everyone is human and we all make mistakes. If we simply remove the person making mistakes from the group, it hardly remedies the problem. If anything, it makes other problems more apparent. Leaving hardly remedies any problems either. If everyone leaves because they don't like what someone is doing, then there won't be anyone left to fix the problem. Especially if the problem lies in the group, in which case, the problem simply goes with everyone to the new place.

If a loaf of bread starts to mold, whats the best way to remedy the problem? Lets cut off the mold, and leave the good bread behind, or just cut off the good bread and take it elsewhere. Either way, the mold continues to mold further, and eventually the 'good' bread will also mold, and the same dilemna will arise. There is no way to stop the mold, and removing the mold is bad for the mold. Instead, lets find a way to stop the mold, and start adding more good bread. The mold will always be there, but it can be checked. The good bread will just have to learn to live with the 'mold'.

(aka, suck it up people, jeez. get off your cloud. instead of just standing around complaining and forcing people out, step in and help make a change.)

Burden

2009-03-29T22:56:00.004-05:00

Lord Please take this burden
Take this burden from my heart
Lord Please take this burden
Take this burden far away Lord
Lord please take this burden
Take this burden off my heart
Lord please take this burden
Far away from my soul and ever further from my mind

Angry and bitter I come to you in distress
It's a growing rock weighing down my spirit
My cry rings out, into the darkness of the night
I know that you are there, but I wonder do you hear it

Forgiveness I have tried, but I simply can't forget
the anger in my heart turns my spirit into lead
my thoughts they start to stray, revenge I wish to have
but Bitter and angry I cry out to you instead.

Bah!

2009-03-25T20:58:00.002-05:00

It's been quite a few years since I've gotten a hug. Sometimes, when I'm stressed, I curl up into a ball while trying to sleep, just wishing I could get a nice hug, and be told that everything is gonna be alright. I mean, I always tell myself that everything is going to be alright, but once in awhile, it'd be nice for other people to agree with me.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2009-02-28T22:25:00.003-06:00

So today I rewatched that movie with Will Smith in it called 'The Pursuit of Happyness". Will Smith plays a character named Chris Gardner who is down in the dumps and getting deeper. He's smart as a whip but not living up to his potential. He gets in a hole and now he's got to get out of it. He ends up talking his way into an internship with a stock broker firm. Throughout the movie, he has one stroke of badluck after another. Sleeping in a homeless shelter with his son and the like. At the end of the movie though, all his striving and all his hard work and perserverance pays off. I won't tell anymore because I don't want to ruin the movie for you, however I'm going to talk to you about my thoughts as I watched the movie.

I completely related to this guy. God gave me some fairly unique talents, and I spent the first 3 years out of highschool trying to do everything except the things that used those talents. I was trying so hard to do all the stuff I LIKED to do instead of the stuff I could do well. (Which I now know that I ALSO "LIKE" to do.) As a result, I'm also struggling financially. Life's an uphill battle if you don't have money, and unless you work hard to get out of it, you're not going to see any results.

Now I'm starting to recognize my talents and I'm attempting to use them for Gods work, as well as incorporating them into my future plans and endeavours. I figured I'll take some time now to talk about what I have learnt some of my talents are.

Writing
--------

This is a big one. I've always been able to write. I can get my thoughts out more coherently on paper than I can in person to people. I would much rather have a serious conversation with someone over MSN or via email than in person. I have a talent of taking the thoughts in my head and ideas in my head and converting them into imagery and analogies. Whether it be in lyrical, poetry or story form, I can convey what my brain is thinking.

Dreaming and Imagination
-------------------------------

God gave me a wonderful mind. Nothing excites me more than sitting and staring off into space exploring my thoughts. My dreams are never simple and never boring. 90% of the dreams I have are never in places that I've ever been. It's always some new place and some area and some new landscape. I can sit down, imagine a house with many rooms and spend an hour just daydreaming and exploring that house. I can also imagine conversations with people. Alot of my conclusions and theories and ideas come from having a conversation with someone in my head. I never know the person, but I like to think that sometimes its God. (Now's where you insert the 'oh gee, danny's skitzo' comment) But no, it's not like that. I can turn the conversations off.

Communication and Counseling etc
========================

When my friends come to me with issues, or problems, I have this skill where I can help them figure out what to do. I don't know how I know, or why I know, but usually I know just the right thing to say. Some of the time, I don't even know that the other person is having a bad day or something. I'll have just randomly said something nice to them, or complimented them and they'll be like 'Wow, that just made me feel alot better.'. Even in my own relationships and life issues, I can deal with them. Anytime I've gotten into a fight or argument with someone, I've been able to resolve it. I don't have any friends I'm awkward with because of past greivances.

Problem Solving, Intelligence and Wisdom
============================

I can solve most problems. I can see something that needs to be done, and something that gets in the way of that thing getting done. I can usually figure out pretty quickly what needs to be done to fix things. In elementary school, the teacher would always give us problem solving questions, and I was always the first one done. It didn't matter the problem. I could see different tricks, different angles. If something doesn't work one way, approach it completely different. That's why I'm good at computers and programming and stuff. The program you want to make is the problem, and I know how to get from a blank page to the having all the code neccesary to complete the program so that it does what it needs to do. God gave me intelligence. I can read, I can write, I can spell, I can do math, I can remember facts until the cows come home. All these things that I can do. Give me a piece of technology and I'll have it figured out lickety split. That's just the way I am. I won't go so far as to say that I'm wise. I will say that I'm wise in the things that I've experienced. Wisdom only comes with experience. Wisdom is knowing how to use your intelligence in situations. If you haven't experienced a situation, then you haven't gained the wisdom. Every day, you get a little wiser until that day when you pass on and go to heaven. At that point, you'll be your wisest.

Music and Singing
---------------------

I LOVE MUSIC! I love every aspect of it. I'm always humming, and most of my free time hobbies revolve around creating something with music. Either writing music, playing my guitar or listening to music. Or talking about music. God gave me a gift of being able to hold a tune. He knew I wouldn't be the best at remembering to pray, so he gave me a love of music and praise and a voice to do so with. The more I've gotten to know God, the more I get excited at church when it comes time to sing to him. I'm excited about his world, and I'm excited about who he is. And everytime I sing, that's my chance to share that with him in my most favourite way. When I write a song, I sing it to him. Its almost like a kid showing his dad a picture he drew at school. I'm like 'Hey God, look what I wrote, isn't it awesome'

Joy, Postivity and Humour
------------------------------

Even when I'm feeling down low and sad, I still love to laugh. When I was deep in depression and never left my apartment for anything except food, church and youth, I still was able to laugh at things. I can find ways to laugh at so many little things, and I can make it infectious. Some people have told me that they love talking to me because after saying something, I'll just remark on whatever little bit of humour there was in what I said. They like my spontaneousness and my honest humour. I always have a positive attitude. In EVERY situation, I can point out something good about it. When friends have a bad situation happening, I can usually cheer them up by pointing out something minisculy positive about it. Say that you rear end someone and total your car and now you have no car and you were at fault. I can point out 'hey, now with no car, you won't have to spend extra money on gas' or something like that. In a case like this, that statement is more funny than positive, but a laugh is always enough to lift someone towards happiness.

----------------------------

That's the main talents I see myself as having. It's only recently that I sat down and thought about them. Now it's time to figure out how I can use them for God and for my future. All of those talents work together in a way.

Writing works with music naturally, since I can sing songs to portray meanings and the like. Imagination and Dreaming helps the writing and music. Counseling and Communication would help me to write things to help people. My joy and humour can help me write songs or stories to make people happy and to make them laugh. My intelligence helps me to know how to manipulate all forms of communication and technology to spread my writing, music, ideas and imagination around.

God has been revealing an idea to me about how I can use all those talents together as well as my future profession to help share his word and to reach people. Like Chris Gardner in the movie, I'm finally recognizing my own potential, and soon I too will reach the point where I'm doing what I'm meant to do and where I've reached that happyness.

James 1:12 has always been a meaningful verse to me. "Blessed is a man who perserveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him".

God has promised me something great. He put me into a life where nothing was made easy for me. That's my test, he doesn't want me to give up. I have to perservere despite all my circumstances and then I'll get what he's promised. It's such an exciting thing when you can finally taste the fact that you're going in the right direction finally. I spent 3 years after highschool, casting about, never catching anything. Now I finally decided to fish in a different spot, with a different rod and a different lure and at a different time of day. Now I'm bound to catch a big on. With God on my hook, how could I not?

Laying it out there, in jumbled thought form.

2009-01-25T00:43:00.005-06:00

This is one of those nights where I feel like rambling. I read a friends journal, and it got me thinking and stuff. I won't get to sleep unless I do some rambling about my thoughts, and stuff, cause otherwise I'll be up all night. I need to be able to get up in the morning =P. However, usually my rambling process needs a good kick start to get going. So I guess I'll start by talking about my evening. Tonight, my praise and worship team had a practice. I got to test out my new guitar playing with the piano. It was a fun night. I really love my team. We have a lot of fun. We take the music seriously, but we don't get hung up on the small details like 'oh geez, does it sound cool' or 'oops, i played the wrong note'. If one of us screws up, our singing gets a bit of a giggle and then we keep on going. Oh how I love singing and playing music for God. It's nice to be a part of something. Even though I don't really see the results, I'm confident that God is using me to influence someone with our singing. We're up there, facilitating praise. Starr picks the best songs, Angelika plays some piano (and eventually we'll convince her to sing) and Geralyn plays a mean bit of violin. Some people probably figure that a violin, guitar and piano combination is a bit unusual, but I don't think God cares. He's loving that we're singing songs of praise. It's not even so much that I'm up in front of people singing, its just that I'm singing. I don't think about how I'm singing or playing. I approach each song as if I'm saying those word to God. I'm gonna sing it loud, and play it hard. God does everything for us, so I'll give it my all. It's amazing how much of my life revolves around music these days. I'm always thinking about lyrics, humming a tune or tapping out a beat. It's really amazing how influential music can be. It's really nice also, since for almost the last year, I've been struggling with purpose. I completely failed at university, at living on my own, at being a youth leader. I just can't seem to find any purpose. It's nice to know that at least I can succeed in music. God's given me some good gifts, I just wish that he would give me more chances to use them. Alot of them can be really helpful. I just took this online spiritual gift test thing, i'll just copy and paste them.

Score	Graph of Score	Spiritual Gift	Statement / Response
25	==========================	Music	20 = 5	48 = 5	76 = 5	104 = 5	132 = 5
23	========================	Helps	12 = 5	40 = 5	68 = 3	96 = 5	124 = 5
23	========================	Poverty	22 = 3	50 = 5	78 = 5	106 = 5	134 = 5
21	======================	Faith	9 = 5	37 = 5	65 = 3	93 = 5	121 = 3
21	======================	Encouragement	6 = 5	34 = 5	62 = 1	90 = 5	118 = 5
21	======================	Writing	28 = 5	56 = 3	84 = 3	112 = 5	140 = 5
21	======================	Craftsmanship	4 = 5	32 = 1	60 = 5	88 = 5	116 = 5
19	====================	Hospitality	13 = 5	41 = 5	69 = 5	97 = 3	125 = 1
19	====================	Wisdom	27 = 5	55 = 3	83 = 3	111 = 5	139 = 3
19	====================	Prophecy	23 = 3	51 = 5	79 = 5	107 = 5	135 = 1
17	==================	Knowledge	15 = 3	43 = 3	71 = 5	99 = 3	127 = 3
17	==================	Discernment	5 = 5	33 = 3	61 = 3	89 = 3	117 = 3
17	==================	Evangelism	7 = 5	35 = 1	63 = 1	91 = 5	119 = 5
17	==================	Giving	10 = 3	38 = 3	66 = 1	94 = 5	122 = 5
15	================	Healing	11 = 3	39 = 5	67 = 3	95 = 3	123 = 1
14	===============	Mercy	17 = 5	45 = 1	73 = 5	101 = 0	129 = 3
11	============	Administration	1 = 5	29 = 1	57 = 1	85 = 3	113 = 1
11	============	Pastoring	21 = 3	49 = 1	77 = 1	105 = 5	133 = 1
11	============	Exhortation	8 = 3	36 = 3	64 = 1	92 = 3	120 = 1
10	===========	Missionary	19 = 5	47 = 0	75 = 1	103 = 3	131 = 1
9	==========	Miracles	18 = 5	46 = 1	74 = 1	102 = 1	130 = 1
9	==========	Teaching	24 = 1	52 = 1	80 = 3	108 = 3	136 = 1
7	========	Leadership	16 = 1	44 = 1	72 = 3	100 = 1	128 = 1
7	========	Celibacy	3 = 1	31 = 5	59 = 1	87 = 0	115 = 0
5	======	Apostle	2 = 1	30 = 1	58 = 1	86 = 1	114 = 1
4	=====	Intercession	14 = 1	42 = 1	70 = 1	98 = 0	126 = 1
2	===	TonguesInterpreting	25 = 0	53 = 1	81 = 1	109 = 0	137 = 0
1	==	TonguesSpeaking	26 = 1	54 = 0	82 = 0	110 = 0	138 = 0

So my second highest gift is 'Helps'. I certainly don't get a chance to help with anything, so how can it be a gift? I guess its cause I WANT to help, I just never get a chance. I'm not surprised that music, craftmanship and writing are up there. That's some of the things i'm best at. Prophecy, Wisdom, Knowledge and Discernment kind of surprise me actually. I've never really though of myself as being 'wise'. I'm book smart mainly. As I like to say, I know a lot of things about a lot of things. But yah, anyhow, back to my point. I never really get to use any of those gifts except music. But yah, i can't think of anything more to 'ramble on' about in regards to this topic.

I'll tell you a story that this reminded me of. Or rather, one of the questions did. Something about other's seeing God in your life. I answered no, since I doubt anyone can see God in the things I do. However, this doubt was removed one time by a strange man on a bus. He was slightly mentally handicapped. In the winter of 2005, I got on this bus to go somewhere, and this man sits across from me and starts talking to me. He tells me of how his brother stole his yellow gameboy one time, but he wasn't getting mad because he'd stolen it from him first. It was kind of funny. Then it got wierd. He turns to me and is like 'You know why I'm telling you this, cause you're a christian. I know you got God in ya, so I can trust you'. IT BLEW ME AWAY!!!. This was a time in my life where things were getting rough, I wasn't having a good time with anything and I felt really low in my god walk. So to have a random stranger, just blurt this out, completely through me for a loop. I've been alot less doubtful of how I'm portraying myself since then. Oh man, I loved meeting random strangers on busses. I was chatting with this old lady at a bus stop once, and she just reaches into her purse and hands me some 6 cents of the price of gas coupons for Domo. She's like, here, I'll never use these. I only bus. I'm like, well I bus too, so I won't be able to use them. And she's like, well, just sell them to your friends at University then. If you work the math out right, you can make it worth their while, and still make money. Just do tha tmath. haha, I laughed. Or bussing through Osbourne Village. There are always such colourful people that get on. Very free and happy with themselves. I've always wondered how people can be so happy all the time. I mean, sure, it's understandable, I have my share of problems to make me unhappy, but those don't affect me THAT much. Why am I sad half the time? Is it that old friend DEPRESSION coming to call again? I wrote a song about my depression once, here's the lyrics for yourself to read.

Sometimes it feels
like I'm losing control
Succumbing to emotions
that are not really there
Even though I know,
that this pain is an illusion
I still have inclinations
of letting it all go

even though I know
that my future will be grand
I still can't shake this feeling
that nothing lies ahead
my world it seems bleak
my life has lost its color
my life has lost its purpose
now I simply exist

chorus
------
In this world of illusions
where emotions are not real
In this world of mass intrusion
where joy no longer reigns
where the light once shone so brightly
only darkness does remain
but brightly in the distance
there shines a light of hope
------

reality is seeping through
my brick wall of emotions
crumbling into dust
the hardened edges of my soul
I have never felt the truth
in oh so long a time
patiently I wait to see
if time will heal my wounds

A helping hand is all I need
to help my heart pull through
I turn to my oldest friend
he's always pulled me through
he took me to the water
and washed away my sin
now he's walking by my side
as I travel down this path

chorus

now as I sit here
pondering the present
my future seems so bright
while my past is bleak and dry
but ever ever farther
away it falls behind
until it settles in the dust
far gone from my mind

he is my hope I cling on tight
unwilling to let go
my future is my destiny
and he will lead the way
the darkness of my past will not
encroach into my life
for there he walks right by my side
with him I'm not alone

Some people think that depression is just about being sad. It's not just that. It's about being happy, mad, sad, glad, angry, confused, etc etc. You're every emotion, for no reason at all. For almost a month straight, I stayed locked up in my bedroom. Just using the internet. I would laugh for no reason, get mad at nothing, be anxious about everything, upset about nothing. I never really knew for sure what my true emotions were. It was horrible. This song basically talks about the beginning the middle and the end of this part of my life. I don't have any audio of this song however.

Well, I'm gonna end my ramble there since it's sort of petered out. I got distracted with other things and so my brain stopped thinking. Thanks for read =P Till tomorrow. I'm gonna try to post in this thing everyday for the rest of this month at least. Provided I still have internet =P

Something I found in a Scribbler of mIne

2009-01-18T17:56:00.001-06:00

early arisen, early fallen
all in the upper class
why is this, everyone asked
I replied
Is it better than another
which when depicted
will also go unnoticed
Why does it matter which
answer is give inf no one
is ther to listen? perhaps
if I answer louder, people
will hear it
I was wrong, people simply
move farther away instead
of listening, if I remain
silent will others notice
my silence and question
my silence
Nope, I just continue in silence hoping to be
heard, changing what
I say could have an
effect if that had been
the problem in the first place.
the way in which I say
it might be dull, perhaps
I should share via a
different means
this has no effect either
screaming, singing, dancing
shouting, bouncing, waving
prancing, breaking, smashing
bashing, crashing, whamming
playing, noisifying etc etc etc
All of it is ignored
why wont anyone listen
to me. On a plane in the
lane, while insane in
plain sight. During flight, lovers
delight, painful plight
candlelight burns
CRASH AND BURN
I am sitting in a mall
letting my brain flow
right now mush exits
later something else
badda bing badda boom

Hmmm.......

2009-01-12T17:39:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted here in awhile, I'll post something in awhile.

Tuesday Morning Truths.

2008-09-30T09:10:00.000-05:00

Today I have an interview at the Tim Horton's on Henderson. I really don't like Tim Horton's, but this is just until I can find something else. I'm not gonna stop job hunting. Right now I'm hanging in the Second Cup Coffee place on Portage and Main. If I buy a coffee, I get to use the free Internet wireless. It's nice. So I had that residential hearing the other day. So now, at the end of every month, I have to pay 100 dollars to Sussex until the 500 bucks is paid back. Yes, that's right, the amount was reduced. I only had to pay for one month and a week of rent, since i vacated the first week of September. Student loans called, I only have to pay them 150 a month at the end of the month as well. So far, 250 bucks a month mandatory costs. Not so bad. I still owe shaw too, so I was gonna pay them 100 a month, so 350 a month. and I'll pay my mom 100 a month, so 450 a month is my TOTAL costs. round up to 500 to account for paying my phone bill. That's reasonable I suppose, provided I get this job at Timmy's.

Well, that's my post of today, I can't think of anything witty. Maybe I'll post some more writing next time. Ta Ta for now.

Afternoon Amblations from Severe Procrastination

2008-09-19T13:22:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I went job hunting. Dropped off like 10 resumes or something like that. It took me four hours to do all the walking. ugh. lol. Anyhow, so come 2pm, I ended up having an hour to kill downtown while waiting for my mom to get off work. So I got myself some coffee, and sat down and doodled in my notebook, and then I started writing some little tidbits of stuff. So here is a compilation of all those tid bits, as written in the little notebook.

silently he sits
staring
out the window
he sees people
some
are his future
others
are his past
he longs for someone
to be present in the presence
of his present
one who presents
lots of presents
perfect presentation
in this present nation
he resents the mint
that is resentment
monetary resentment
which mint to resent?
that canary named larry
was he quite hairy?
quit the smite he had that night
with that broken traffic light
perhaps today he can pay
the fine that binds and grinds
after lines have torn the page
its perfect time to earn the wage
of monkeys tolled for using sticks
and dirty men for waving dicks
a truck takes bucks
but so do ducks
both emit waste
only one emits gas
lay a mint upon the floor
laments of the sick and poor
the hidden ones who we save for
help that man, theres always more
cross the street
with quickly feet
your steps are sure
roadkill with no fur
semantics
of some antics
that great math class
with sums and ticks
the complacence
of children playing store
they add breadth and width
"bring breadth and come play width cents"
the ramifications
of my ruined vacation
from bad medication
and poor ventilation
the sins of our nation
unseen information
let loose your formation
of small ammunition
at the end of term, oil
the gears of your life
with the tears of the past
refine them into fuel
after a monsoon
the lights will come on soon
in the dark we see nothing
what difference will a light make
the bird is fluttering
trapped in the mouth
of many scruffy felines
at the printer are there line fees?
shop at the square, its only fair
why not, with equal sides?
but squares are weak
though all sides equal
so why don't we try angles
with triangles instead
a pirate, he swash buckles
at pier eight, she washes buckles
appearing late, he merely chuckles
that smeared plate, caressing knuckles
that funny hat
he's a communist
spray a cat
he says, come you mist
bitter cause he bit her
butter he figured would lighten the mood
but her food was well flavoured
so they used water instead
from daisy or pansies
sprout pollen or poetry
it depends on the roots
if warmed up within, syllables flow
if withered when dry, to bee hives they go
health brings one to be green
disease makes the other glow green
one lasts a lifetime, the other a season
but both can bring joy to a mother
a dozen of one could be overkill
a dozen of the other causes romance to swell

yah, it's kinda neat i suppose. I just sort of free wrote. off the top of my head etc.

This part always stumps me, what am I actually talking about?

2008-09-11T23:03:00.000-05:00

Hmm, so here I am at my mother's place. Using her computer and her noisy keyboard. Obviously noone types on it as much as I type on my own. I can type between 80 to 100 words per minute, so I wore out my keyboard pretty fast. My own computer has been making me angry as of late. The cd drive stopped reading discs for some reason, and so I'm gonna have to replace that. It's sucks I know, but there's nothing to be done. It's plain old worn out. Figures that it would happen just as the warranty runs out. Just another case of Murphy's Law I suppose. Anyhow, I suppose that shouldn't keep me from using it for internet, expect for the fact that it's also been running real slow as of late too. Needs a defrag or a reformat, however because the cd drive isn't working, I can't reinstall windows or anything. They all require a working cdrom drive. It's all really frusterating, and easily fixed if it weren't for the fact that I have no money to get the parts. *resounding sigh*. Anyhow, other than that, life's not too bad. Going tomorrow to hand in a score of resumes to a score of businesses. Hopefully I can have a job before the end of September. Or at least before the rental board hearing on the 23rd. It'll probably look alot better for me. On a positive note, Since I haven't had to be working at Tim Horton's, I've been able to grow out my beard again. Feels real nice again. w00t!. Gotta love the ability to grow facial hair.

Anyhow, I should hit the sack soon. I have to be up at 5am so for now I say toodles. You shouldn't eat noodles, unless eaten by spoonfuls.

Bidding Adeu to a Humble Abode

2008-09-07T21:35:00.000-05:00

It's nine thirty on a Sunday, and here I stand at the oversized windowsill of the empty apartment that was my home for 3 years. As I cleaned up during the day today, I kept stopping to survey the apartment, and remember all the good, bad and mediocre things that happened over those 3 years. So I figured I'd give a summary of some of the apartments highlights and lowlights.

I moved into this apartment in August of 2005. Two and a half months earlier I had graduated from highschool, and boy was I excited to finally have my own place. It's what any young adult aspires to. So my girlfriend at the time, Brittany, the wonderful girl that she is, helped me to move into the apartment, and even gave me some of the old furniture from her place that they were gonna get rid of. It was a nice little apartment, and I was proud of it.

So two weeks later I started university and my girlfriend started school in The Pas. Loved the long distance bills on those phone calls.

A month after that, me and my girlfriend sat in the apartment with her crying because we were breaking up. Her parents hated me because I didn't have a rich family, and the long distance relationship just wasn't working out too well. It was a sad time, but we both knew it was for the best.

So after that, things started going downhill. I was running out of student loan money, my brother moved into my tiny apartment, and I was starting to get depressed. Winter was approaching, and so the days were short, and nothing happy was happening in my life. I was doing bad in school and nothing seemed to make me happy.

I managed to make it through the winter and come april 2006 I started working again, and paying rent, and getting happier cause it was summer, and by the time fall came again, I had some money saved up again, and got the student loan, and started school and things looked.

Come winter time though, I was doing bad in school AGAIN, and feeling depressed and all that same stuff over again. needless to say, it wasn't the greatest of winters anyhow.

So fast forward to summer, I started work again. summer was the same. worked all day, came home, worked the next day. etc etc.

Winter was better, but nothing significant happened, it was a good winter. Quit university cause I got smart and realized it wasn't working.

Now it's the end of the summer and I'm evicted because work shafted me on hours and I couldn't pay the rent. Oh well.

Yah, the last few paragraphs are rushed because I need to get to bed, gotta be up early tomorrow to get out lol.

The Spun Run!

2008-09-03T08:53:00.001-05:00

Here's a goofy little poem I wrote just a little while ago. The beginning is rough, but the ending half ain't too bad.

dilly dally, fiddle faddle.
Up a creek without a paddle.

pitter patter, cocker spaniel.
I tell you now my names not Daniel.

Holly dolly, molly wolly.
Can you find the hidden folly?

Speckled pickle, nickel wrinkle.
Oh the stars how they do twinkle.

parting smarting, carting fodder.
The federales, have they caught her?

winky pinky, ranky danky.
Is that a tear? Please pass my hanky.

funky runky dunky tunky forky.
When you leave please don't forget your door key.

gump rump and tumpety stump.
your out of gas, jump to the pump.

pork and rork are soon to plab?
the milk has spilled, give it a dab!

spenny renny tenny lenny.
eat no food to save a penny.

mend the bend in destinys end.
your mind to blend what bakers spend.

fun is spun inside the bun.
so fun to run from lovers shun.

mine the spines of golden lines.
so fine the fines of endless shines.

clean your spleen you speckled bean.
your average mean to glean whats keen.

sand the hands of theiving glands.
throw down your ties to roaming clans.

roam the tomes of ancient rome.
breathe in the moisture of the foam?

now to sow the timeless cow.
can you foresee the future plow?

cart the part that ought not be arts.
let loose the throng of poisoned darts.

done is the run of this poetry spun.
what fun it was to have spun this run.

Another post so soon after the last?

2008-08-31T16:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I figured, since I've actually shared the link to this blog now, I should actually post some stuff in it.

However, since this is sort of a limitedly shared blog link, I'm gonna feel free to share some of my more tender past moments. Things that I wouldn't necessarily tell everyone.

So today I'm gonna discuss some traits I've sort of discovered about myself. The first one almost keeps me from saying that I discovered these things. This first trait is the inability to say good things about myself. Mostly this arises when it comes to describing myself. Sure, I can describe myself just fine. I have brown hair, hazel eyes and really odd facial hair. But you'll probably never hear me say "Oh yah, I'm good at writing" or "when it comes to metaphors and analogies, I'm the best". It's one thing to shrug off compliments. That can be chalked up to humility. However, I can't even call myself humble. Then that means I'm taking pride in being humble, thusly completely eradicating the humbleness. I don't think it's low self esteem either. Cause, I think that I'm good at these things, you'll just never hear me saying it. I just try to exhibit my talents hoping that someone will notice and compliment then. But really, why do I even do that? I just shrug it off anyhow. Even when it comes to describing these traits. What right do I have to describe myself? I'm sort of a little biased don't you think. It should be someone else that describes me. And yet, when others do describe me, I'm always thinking to myself, "no, no that's not it at all. they don't actually no me." So yah.

Another trait of mine, is the incessant need to find a reasoning for every action or inaction of mine. Some mine call them excuses, but to me, it's just an obsession for figuring out why. When someone is scolding me about something I've done, and I blurt out some possible reasoning, it's not me making up excuses. It's me offering up a possible explanation, because at the time I usually don't know why. But, from a young age, my step dad liked to beat the idea into me, that nothing just happens. Everyone does everything for a reason. Most of the occurrences being when my normal clumsy self happened to drop a plate, or break a glass, or even accidentally knocked over half a stack of bails because I was young and didn't know any better not to pull from the bottom of the stack. The latter being the cause of the situation I'll describe. Naturally, knowing that I had done something wrong, I didn't say anything hoping that no one would notice however, naturally someone did. So there I was, listening to my step dad rant and rave asking who did it. I denied it at first, but after the first few punches I gave in and admitted it. And then he asked why I lied. Cause I didn't wanna get in trouble I'd say. And he'd say, well now your gonna get a worse one. "Why'd you knock over the bails?" "I don't know, it just happened" BAM! "That doesn't just happen, you probably know damn well why you did it" "They just FELL!" Bam!! "THINGS DON'T JUST FALL---" "Actually there's this thing called gravity. They bales went up didn't they? They had to come down" BAMBAMBAM!!! "DON'T GET STUPID WITH ME" "Just returning the favour" BAMBAMBAM!! "YOU WANT SOME MORE?" "If I get more, when your done, will you still be yelling?" etc... etc... etc... I grew tired of the ceaselessly yelled questions of "why did you do it?!" and so I got pretty good at coming up with some reasons why I did it. And to this day, everytime I screw up, by force of habit, I start trying to come up with a reason behind it, even if it's far fetched. And really, sometimes, things are accidents. Maybe there is a reason why it happened. But really, who cares about the reason behind it when you have a 3 and a half inch nail in your knee. But the whole way to the hospital, there I was, replaying the scene in my mind, trying to figure out why the gun slipped. But yah, the irony of it all is that I just came up with a reason as to why I come up with reasons for everything. How silly am I. lol. Mind you, there isn't anything wrong with doing that, it just annoys me lots because it always feels like I'm just making excuses. And sometimes other people see it that way too.

Another trait of mine is the fact that I don't tend to tell people about my own problems. I love to hear all about other people's. I love helping them. But my own problems are my own. I guess it's cause I don't want to burden them. If I tell them, then their gonna start caring, and take time out of their own lives to help me. And my two main live objectives are 'never hurt anyone' and 'never get in the way of other people's plans'. So telling them my problems is out of the question. But that doesn't mean I can't write cryptic poetry describing them. If someone takes the time to decipher it and learn my problems, that's their own fault. Has nothing to do with me.

So lastly, I like to think that I'm good at coming up with analogies to simplify and or explain a difficult situation or decision.

I'll give a good example:

A buddy of mine is having trouble with his girlfriend. She did something that sort of jeopardized the relationship a bit. It had just happened, and my buddy came over to my place to get it off his mind. However, he kept trying to call her, get ahold of her, and was basically just obsessing. His girlfriend said she wanted to wait till the next day to discuss it so that he would be cooled off. I figured it was a good idea. In fact, I knew it was a good idea. I told him so. I quote myself almost directly. "Relationships with anyone are like eternally painting a bench. The passage of time in those relationships are like the process of adding paint with the brush. However, every once in awhile, you put a fingerprint in the paint. Whether it's you or the other person, there's a mar in the paint. In your situation, it wasn't just a finger print, someone sat on your bench and took a bunch of paint with it. Now, what your trying to do is just throw paint back in there to try and fix it. However, if you do that, then it's gonna dry like that, and there will always be a little bit of a mar in that paint. Instead, you should let it dry, after it dries, you can sand down the bumps, repaint it and it'll look just as fine, and after it dries again, no one but you will know." Basically, if he kept pushing to resolve the issue that night he was angry (while the paint was wet), he'd end up saying something he regretted (leaving lasting mars and hurts for later in life aka. bumps in the paint) and so he should wait till tomorrow, when he's calmed down and work through it properly.

Yah, I didn't do the best at explaining it per say, as my mind to word ability isn't the greatest. However, I've used that analogy in a few other situations. There's lots of things that can go wrong when you paint a bench =P But even if you run out of paint, you can always get some more.

Anyhow, I feel that I've gone on long enough with this nonsense. I may even write another entry later on tonight if I feel so inclined =P Perhaps it'll be a "cryptical poem" =P We'll have to see. Thanks for reading.

-like to find a reason for everything
-self analytical

The Beginning of Yet Another Shattered Era

2008-08-30T02:11:00.000-05:00

Today I moved my cat's to my mother's place. They lived their entire lives in my apartment. The measly two years of their lives, but to them I'm sure it's an eternity. They are very out of sorts, and have done nothing but lay curled up on the couch beside me. They went from a tiny space into a huge space. An experience, I know from experience, to be somewhat traumatizing. Although my experience was the reverse. I went from living in a big house, to a tiny room in my mom's friends mobile home, and then from there to a small apartment in the city. I went from being dirt poor for 18 years to having a job and an income. Suddenly I had money, the freedom to do what I wanted to with the money and no experience in controlling how I spent it. I didn't really know what to do with myself. Now here I am three years later. over 15 thousand in debt, a big 12K one because of a wasted 3 years at university and another 2k one from being unable to pay my rent and such. All because I didn't know how to handle my money properly. I'm moving back to my mom's and hopefully I'll be able to pick up the peices.

I suppose that last paragraph can be considered the obligatory normal updating you on my life post. Doesn't it seem so normal, sane and collected? It's almost like I have my mind in order eh? Welllllllll, guess again buckaroos. I, am in a state that can be best described as: emotional shambles. (Note to self, that would make for an interesting poem or something). I must warn you, this post is more for my own sanity than anything else. It does me good to ramble on senselessly about things. I suppose that once I see my stupidity written out where I can see it, it sort of encourages me to buck up and suck it up and continue on. So I'm gonna go ahead and start a new paragraph, and begin my night of rambling.

So here I am, sitting on my mom's couch at 230am on this the 30th day of August. I am beyond sleep. In fact I'm wide awake. Also, I am lonely. A wise man in my life once described how horrible it is to feel lonely even when you aren't alone. I've experienced that and I can tell you, it's not as bad as being lonely while you actually are alone. For the last 3 years, I lived in a tiny little apartment all by myself. Sure, I had my brother as a room mate for alot of that time, but he's anti social, so I never actually talked to him much. It was usually just me, myself and I, trying to pass the time. You'd be surprised at how many movies I bought in the last 3 years. I never really watched them because I enjoyed them. It was more for the passage of time until the next time I got to see other human beings. This summer has been the worst. I've not had anything for roomates all summer. Everyday, I would sleep in, and then go to work at tim hortons for 3pm until 11pm. During those 8 hours, 90% of the customers I served were repeat customers. All eight hours long, i do the same thing over again. "Hi, I'd like a large double double and an apple fritter" "Alright, that'll be two dollars and fourty four cents" "Here you go" "Thank you, your change is 56 cents." And then I make the coffee, grab the doughnut, give it to them and then move on to the next customer. EIGHT HOURS LONG!!!!. And then I walk home to my empty apartment. Feed my cats, watch a show or something till I fall asleep. The next day, I do the same thing. My weekends are broken up only when I go to my mom's to house sit for her while she goes to the lake. I spend the weekend alone in her house watching television, browsing face book and hoping someone will call me up and ask me to hang out or something. The last 5 months have been like that. With my best bud out of town, I really have no one to hang out with. I'm literally going nuts.

Not to switch topics or anything, but I'm gonna go ahead and switch topics. I mean, like really. I may act like I have a really positive attitude, but that's just talk. As much as I say that things will turn out, I don't feel like it. Right now I feel so lost. Ever so lost. I know what I gotta do in the next upcoming day, but that's as far as I know. My future is totally bunk. There's nothing for me. I let all my talents go to waste for some reason. In doing so, it's let all my non-talents come out to play. And they didn't pick up their toys afterwards. Now I've metaphorically stepped on a pointed building block that "Lack of Frugality" didn't put back in the toy box.

Writing is a talent of mine I believe. I can string together words and phrases that roll off the tongue. Or at least I think so. Freaking humility gets in the way of everything. Sure, I've written some okay stuff, but not that I'd actually try to let it go anywhere. I think it's good, but I don't want to start proclaiming it as good. I want other people to be the one's to say that. Not just saying "oh that's cool" to be nice. I want actual critical readings of it. But who do I know that can do that? No one of course. So I have to be content with writing only for myself. Meh, oh well.

So now I'm living at my mom's. So at least I'll have family to pull me through. I like my family, the hustle bustle, the commotion and all that. Passes the time hardcore. That's all my life has been reduced to. That's all anyone's life really is. Just a passage of time. Doing things so that the next day will come. Perhaps tomorrow things will be different we say to ourselves.

I'm gonna be an uncle. My silly older brother and his promiscuous ways. Sure, I'm glad that I'm gonna be an uncle, but at the same time I worry about my brother. Some brother I am, getting myself into a financial position where if my older brother needs help, there's nothing I can freaking do. Isn't it sad that society has degraded to the point where everything is about money. We define our lives by the method in which we earn money. The social pecking order is defined by comparing each individuals quantity of income. Wars are fought over that vile green stuff. My sole goal right now is getting the lack of green settled. All the money I owe. It's what I obsess about now. 90% of my daydreams are scenarios involving me obtaining a large some of money. With enough money, I could get everything I think I need. But then what would that do to my character? Would I become a different person with that much money? DUH!!!! OF COURSE I WOULD!!! I don't want win a huge some of money. I want money that I worked for. I have to work for it otherwise why do I deserve it. The unfortunate thing is that as willing as I am, it doesn't help me. People have to be willing to have me work for them.

Well, it's getting late, and I do have a few other things to do tonight, so I shall bid adieu. Until another rant.
Here is a small peice of writing for your sampling pleasure

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Estranged Acquaintances

I felt a slight tension as he walked through the doors. The doors were those of a small town pub located on the main floor of a shady motel. The bouncer at the door checked my identification. He didn't show any hint of recollection at the name he saw. This did little to ease my tension. The bouncer handed back my identification. I surveyed the pub and it wasn't at all as I imagined it to be.. In fact, it was rather bright and colourful. The band on stage was playing a cover of some pop band's latest song. He didn't recognize it off the top of his head but he knew it was another one of those songs that the radio stations overplayed. On one wall, there was a fireplace of sorts. There were a few tables setup near it, and a group of older fellows were happily chatting and drinking. Along two of the other walls were booths, and most had one or two people sitting in them, conversing and sipping their drinks. Spanning the length of the last wall was the bar. It seemed almost out of place with the rest of the bar. It's black marble counter top clashing with the wood paneled walls. The brass mouldings seeming tacky compared to the dull, tarnished bar stools. Even the lighting in that corner seem a little brighter. It was in this corner that the other man sat. Wearing a worn out baseball cap, and a faded jean jacket. His hair was long and his beard was untrimmed. The man sat hunched over a mug of beer, and he seemed to be muttering to himself. I made my way across the room and sat on a stool at the bar. Only one stool was between me and the bearded man. The bar tender asks me what I want. I tell him to pour me a shot of whiskey. As I wait for the bartender to bring me my drink, I glance over at the muttering man. At a closer glance, it is obvious to see he is an alcoholic. His trembling, veined hands, his skinny state and the way he was hanging onto the beer mug as if someone was going to steal it. As I was looking at him, he glanced up and caught my stare. I quickly looked away, and luckily the bartender was bringing my drink. I sucked back the shot quickly and grimaced when the burn hit. I asked the bartender for a simple beer to follow. As I asked, the man in the corner spoke up

"Charlie, put it on my tab" he said

"Are you sure Sid? You already have a pretty big one stacked up" the bartender said.

"I'll just work it off" Sid replied "I have some bigger jobs ahead of me anyways. It won't take long"

"Alright man, whatever you say" Replied the bartender as he popped the cap off the beer and set it in front of me. "This one's on the house."

I turned to the older man and expressed my thanks. It seemed that it wasn't going to be that simple though.

"Ah ah ah, I did you a favour, and a simple thanks isn't all I want in return." Sid said displaying a toothy grin. "I tell you what, you move on over to this stool next to me, and we'll have a chat alright?"

I really wasn't in the mood for talking. I hadn't come into the bar with any intentions of chatting. This man only made me feel worse. But I couldn't refuse his offer, it just didn't feel right. So I moved a stool over and offered my hand as I introduced myself. Sid quickly gobbled up my hand with his own in a handshake of violent proportions. His hand was cold, clammy and bony and his touch sent shivers down my spine. The smell coming off of him confirmed his alcoholism. His eyes were very furtive, and eye contact was completely out of the question. I was still feeling pretty tense and unsure, but I could sense his excitement and out of kindness decided to at least hear the old man out. The bartender handed me a beer, and for at least 10 minutes I sat there sipping it, waiting for the man to say something. He seemed to be struggling to think of something to say. At last he turns to me, and opens his mouth as if to say something, but then turns away muttering. At this point I'm getting a little impatient, and so I try to get the conversation going a little.

"So do you follow football at all?" I asked

He looked up at me, and a curious look overcame his face, but then a confused look came over it. He seemed unsure of where he was almost. And then he spoke all of a sudden

"You know. You know what?" he asked "You know why I bought your drink for you?"

I just shrugged my shoulders in a silent gesture of ignorance.

"Something about you voice made me do it." He continued "Something about the way you asked for the beer, and something about the way you fired back that shot of whiskey. There's something familiar about you that I just can't put a finger on. It's almost as if I can see some of myself in you. You understand what I'm saying?

"I really don't know how that could be possible" I replied "When would you have seen me before?"

Sid took a chugged the remainder of his beer mug and slammed it onto the bar, signalling for more. He grew silent as his eyes went out of focus and he sway against the bar. He seemed lost in thought, however I knew it was drunken stupor. Finally he replied.

"I - I - I can't put my finger on it --- but --- Oh! I don't know anymore!" His words died off into a mutter. "You know what?" he continued "That doesn't matter, what matters is that I'm here and you're here. God planned this you know. He wanted you to come here, because he knows that even though I'm a senile drunkard, I still have something I can say. I still deserve to be heard. I'm still a human. You believe me right?"

I started to feel pity for the man. I answered back "Yah, I guess. Yah I do. I believe you."

He leaned real close in to me, and I could taste is breath in my mouth. He pointed a finger real close and cocked his head as if in thought. Suddenly, he leaned back quickly as if he'd had a sudden revelation.

"I ran away from a trouble once. I ran away because I didn't want to deal with. I hid from it, I hid from it good. It isn't a problem anymore I've hidden so well. Hiding made more trouble though. So I got to hide from that trouble too. I'm hiding from the troubles of troubles. Its a hard life but I'm hiding from that too. Now I'm done hiding, no more trouble to hide from. Nope, no more trouble. But I have nothing to show myself too eh. I have nothing to go back to. Everything changed while I was hiding. I came out of hiding, and there was nothing for me. I had kids, but I'll be damn if I remember what they look like. I had a wife, but she left me and took my kids. I came out of hiding, only to go back in because everything had changed. Everything is changing. changes. CHANGES! GOD DAMN FUCKING CHANGES!!!"

He punctuated those last four words with a pounding fist on the bar top. He swayed a couple times, and muttered under his breath a little more. Then he straightened up and look straight at me. His eyes for once still, his face tightened into an angry frown.

"You aren't hiding anything are you!" He snapped at me "Don't hide! Face your problems. Your troubles are like rocks on a path. You can just climb over or go around them. If you can't do that! Well, get a big fucking hammer. Bash those fucking rocks with ALL YOU MIGHT!!! Make them into gravel. That gravel of broken turmoil is going to line your path. Instead of hiding, you're going to be treading on your trials. Your tribulations!! YOUR TRIBULATIONS!!! Under your feet. I can see a bit of me in you. I don't know why. But I'm warning you. Don't hide. DON'T HIDE."

With his last statement, he lurched forward and collapsed against me. His weight pushed me over backwards and him and I tipped over onto the floor. The bartender rushed around the counter to help, while the rest of the people in the bar looked on. The bartender helped me to my feet.

"I'm really sorry man. Good old Sid Melnyk here. A real nice person if you catch him sober. Very hard to handle drunk. John! Bruce! come take Sid up to his room. Put a glass of water on his nightstand. He'll need it in the morning."

I let the bartender know that it was perfectly okay. My nerves were pretty shot at this point though. It was too much to handle. I left my beer sitting on the bar and hurried out the door. Luckily I didn't have far to go to get to my car. As I was unlocking the door, I heard the bouncers voice yell out behind me.

"Sir! Sir!" He called out "Sir! You dropped your ID!"

I sighed in frustration, and walked back to the bouncer. I thanked him and turned around to head back to my car. As I was stepping into my car, I heard the bouncer call out again.

"Have a goodnight Mr. Melnyk, drive safe"

I sighed and drove off. In my rear-view mirror I could see the cheap motel fading into the darkness.

Okay, so things have changed.

2008-03-15T20:09:00.000-05:00

Well, things are changing in my life. Just after my last post, I finally figured out what was wrong. Although I went to church and youth group still, my life was empty because I wasn't putting God first. I made a concious effort to start doing so and lo and behold, my life started looking for the better. I was actually able to quit university while at a good state financially, and I've made the decision to go to Providence College this fall. It's gonna be great. I'm dealing with a couple issues in my life as well. Drinking being one of them. I'm finally to the point of cutting out the drunk at the bar scene that was always typical. Hopefully I can stick to it. I have someone to keep me accountable now, so that's good. Anyhow, that's enough 'blogging' for me. Perhaps another time I'll be able to type something more profound =P

Ponderings in my Mind

2007-10-07T22:01:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here. Sitting in my chair. Passing the time. Doing nothing really. Just keeping my hands active while my mind grinds, churns and whirs away. Like always. I'm always thinking. Maybe that is why I'm so absent minded. Who knows. :( I'm feeling very much trepidation right now. I went to jay's last night to celebrate his sister's 18th. I drank 40 ounces of rum, 20 ounces of various other alcohol and tons of beer. I was completely wasted. Had a great time. But naturally, eventually the party ends. I spend weeks looking forward to this one event. and then it's done. Afterwards I just feel like crap. I feel all wierd. It's a feeling I have yet to apply any kind of description too. Empty might work. I don't know. The last time I felt like that was 2 years ago when I was fearing for mine and jay's friendship. Ugh. lol. oh well.

Last week I was reminded at youth that I am giving my testimony next month. My biggest fear. I don't really feel that my testimony is any good. I don't have a good story in my opinion. Nothing that other's can learn from. Isn't that the point of a testimony? Sigh. I guess I'll see how it goes. Sometimes I wonder why I volunteer for these things.

The Very First Post

2006-12-14T11:19:00.000-06:00

Well. I have now entered the ranks of ultimate internet nerdiness. I have a blog. A blog. Of all the things I could be doin right now, I'm posting in my blog. I imagine that it will be awhile before anyone finds this blog. But none the less here is a blog. What am I goin to use this blog for. Well. I'll end up using it for lots of stuff. Posting my poetry, song lyrics, just random rants. Whatever I feel like sharing. So to start. I shall share some song lyrics that I wrote. They are very close to my heart.

open up and look inside
this place where he did once reside
he's not here but he once was
creator of my flesh and blood

chorus
------
even though he's not always their
i know he still holds love for his heir
hidden deep a reason to be proud
hovering beneath miles of cloud
------

although he cant seem to ever find them
words so wise at the tip of his tongue
for the sake, of all his kin
he kissed her gently, then walked through the door

chorus

he's not the man i will become
but i am now what he once was
man of strength and purity
until he touched that single drop

chorus

now he's alone in mind and soul
no will power not to partake
this drink made of fermented fruit
to ferment my own flesh and blood

chorus

he is consumed there is no lie
he's gone from us he's gone from earth
no bringing back what he once was
now is the time to let him go

I wrote these lyrics over a year ago and I'm still trying to work out some good music for them. Now that my guitar playing knowledge is alot less limited, I'm starting to have some luck. I have it sort of mock recorded on my computer along with other songs I have written and maybe if your lucky and I'm feeling less self concious, I might upload them and post a linke here. If anyone is reading haha.